rage

During his thirteenth year, I would catch Lev in the bathroom, glaring at himself in the mirror, learning to perfect his glare. He really wanted to be all powerful. At age fourteen he spent time learning to raise his eyebrows independently, and got quite good.

I found this writing about his rage, and I miss his rage, his silliness, his love and caring. I miss it all, the boy of extremes.

It is titled Rage, September 2006, from his sixth grade writing journal.

Rage
I believe that rage is the most powerful inner source in the world. By inner source I mean strength that you draw from the soul, not the body. I have worked over the years to learn to harness my rage until I burst it loose.
I believe that someone with enough rage can fight even with an arrow in the gut or a sword in the stomach. I believe that a beginner is only a rage apprentice while someone who has studied for years, like me, is a rage lord.
I can scare my fourteen year old brother with the rage of a rage lord.
I believe everything I just wrote.

(I wonder what his teacher thought of this entry. The next page of the journal has a grade, and he got full points for his amount, use, thought, and presentation, 100%. Later in the year she did give him an award for having a unique sense of humor, which I think was after he had gotten in big trouble for comparing her to a whale, without bad intentions.)

Reading through his writings is good, and feels right, but it is quite difficult. He is sorely missed. I wonder where his creative energies, rage and compassion would have led him in life. I am sorry for him and the world for our loss. He has left a hole, a grief hole, not a rage hole in me. Maybe I can harness the energy and become a grief lord. :-)

Rebecca

random things

Lev's writing: He would be happy to have this one posted, on chores and kids freedom

I think that kids should have some time to just cool down and not rush around everywhere like little scampering ants. Kids should be free and not rushed. We should be slow and calm with fun and imaginations instead of being everywhere at once. Playing, not working, running around with shouts of glee, not being forced into drudgery.

Lev's stories from sixth grade: Justificator

Justificator
SS-49 UK only Prototype

The Justificator is a
little gravitational
stabilizer that
is like a little
gyro except
using polar
magnetism and
it can
make you
impossible to
trip if it is
in your shoes
or in your
dog's collar
to make it
land right
side up or
in other
words on
your feet
and it can
make you
do a backflip.

Lev's stories from sixth grade: The Candy Bar Trilogy

Sorting through Lev's writings, there were some really interesting, funny snippets of Lev from his sixth grade journal.
I will type some of them into the blog, to save them and to share his humor. They are written sloppily, in pencil, so they don't scan well. I'll try to get the originals up, but I think typing them would be best.
There is so little I can do with my emotions, so maybe this will help.

Here is one of his stories, I'm not sure if it's true, but the details are amusing. I definitely think there is some stretching of the truth to make a good tale since the facts of this first one don't add up. We were living in Costa Rica, without much access to Snickers, so it must be a tall tale, but here goes.

2 Pounds

Once when I was 7, I hid 2 pounds of snickers in my lego trunk and, by the way, that is 208 snickers which I hid. But this was a lego trunk and it was huge so I shoved them in the legos. Then 23 days after Halloween I ate them one by one, plunging my hands into the trunk, shoving through the legos, and pulling them out until I got a headache from too much chocolate. So, I ate until I choked for 4 seconds, but by then I was done. I think I choked on caramel but fell asleep from too much sugar at 3:45pm and slept for three hours. Then I felt like Barfing. THE END

Another similar story, so he must have hidden some chocolates in the lego trunk. We still have the lego trunk, and I did find a couple wrappers in it last year.

Me and My Friend

Once when I was 8 me and my friend were playing with legos when I got out 62 Snickers and 28 milky ways. Now there is something you should know about Milky Ways - they are like heaven but on earth. Just eating one makes my stomach feel fluttery and then I feel all light-headed like I could fly or levitate. So, we ate Snickers but I mainly pigged out voraciously on the Milky Ways and if someone had given me a Milky Way I would jump off a cliff for it. So, we ate until there were wrappers floating in a sea of trash but some wrappers may still be found in the Lego box.
THE END

Last story in the candy bar trilogy:

Blood and Guts Bar

Once upon a time there was a young fairy named Will who invited a human into fairy land and then the human started a candy bar factory.

(That's it. I don't know if it's the end, or he ran out of time or steam.)

Rebecca

sloth

We visited a sloth sanctuary on the Atlantic coast in Costa Rica.

Lev planted this one, too, at the Cloud Forest School/CEC

we went bicycle camping on Lopez island

karate

Lev was into karate for a few years.

bananas

In banana plants, with a cat that ran away in a few months

special place

This is his special place, where he reforested, wrote poetry, and took care of the land. Thanks to Bryan, his teacher, who started the project.

trees

Lev planted this tree when he was in third grade at the CEC/CFS.

visiting the house where Lev was born

snow family photo

another family photo

visiting New York every summer

9th birthday

Lev celebrated with Eduardo and Trevor. We were one of the few houses with a bathtub and they played in it for hours.
Note on the photo that Lev has a scar across his face.
On the hill up to school, he took a short cut and was diving under a barbed wire fence. He didn't realize that there was a lower strand of barbed wire, and he dove right into it, luckily missing his eye, but we hurried the rest of the way with blood dripping down his face. He was very proud of the scar.

one day old

shortly after moving to Issaquah

proof

this photo is proof that Lev really did come home one day, having traded his bike for a horse!

scary airplane

We took this airplane between two little islands off the western coast of Puerto Rico. It was just us on the flight, and mid-flight, the captain took out the manual to read it. I took this photo, wondering if it would be all that was found of us after sure disaster. Then, he explained that he had never flown this new model before, but that he located the landing gear, and all was well. He was not worried, as he explained he had plenty of gas to circle if he need to figure it out. This may be when Jaal developed his fear of small planes.

our very neat house at the Lawton's

living at the Lawton's, our first year in Monteverde

scorpions, mice, coatis, chinches, monkeys and us

Lev and Calynn in 6th grade with Mrs. McCloud

in the forest in Puerto Rico, the boys together on a vine swing

Jaal's best photo

Jaal has become quite a photographer, and on our trip to Canada he took some beautiful photos. In this one, on July 7th, Jaal had asked Lev to go to the edge of the dock, and look at the water. Shortly after the photo, Lev and Tony went for a swim as Jaal and I walked Snowy around the lake.

Lev and his mom at a wedding

This is Tony's favorite photo of Lev and Rebecca, from last May.

6th birthday

Lev's birthday, a few weeks after moving to Costa Rica.

swimming

Although the school was terrible in Puerto Rico, we loved going to the beach every day. Lev had had tubes in his ears the year before, so he needed special ear plugs while swimming. He and Jaal, and Tony and I had many happy hours in the water, snorkeling, playing in the waves, the boys trying to boogie board or surf.

Lev's least favorite picture

Lev hated this picture. He hated that I took it, he hated that he was crying, he hated that learning to ride a bike was hard. He always got mad when he saw it, and for years we had to hide it away. Then, one day we found a picture of Jaal falling while learning to ride a bike. It wasn't a great picture, like this one, but since that moment Lev was fine with this photo.
He is five, in Puerto Rico is this photo.

Memorial Day

For the last three or four years, on Memorial Day weekend, we went camping at Baker Lake, Panorama point campground, right on the water, with Craig, Sarah, and Grady. Building your own raft is always fun. This last May, the weather was cold and wet, and Grady and Lev kayaked to a little island and spent most of their days on their own, on their island, having a great time together.

Sauk Mountain

We hiked to the top of Sauk Mountain, with beautiful wildflower views on the way up. They were proud of themselves when we arrived at the top pretty quickly, and they kept climbing higher to the top of the rocks to get a good view.

5th grade baseball

Lev played baseball in 5th grade in Seattle. It was the first time he played team sports, as we had been living abroad for his other school years. He was not particularly talented, as he was just learning the sport, but he had a great time.

Valentine's Day

February 14, 2010

Tony and I usually celebrate our anniversary on Valentine's Day, since we were together so many years before we were married. It will be our 21st Valentine's Day together, which is more than half of my life.

It reminds me of our last Valentine's Day. Jaal was busy, going out with friends. Lev had been dating Melissa since the previous May, so I asked him what he was doing with her for Valentine's Day. It was his first, and only, real girlfriend, so he was new to the whole thing. I told him that he should get her some chocolates or a little gift and that they should probably get together and do something.

I took him to the store to get something, and he chose a little heart shaped box of chocolates, and a very large bear. He was very proud of himself for his choice. Valentine's Day was on a Sunday. We went on a "double date," of sorts. We picked up Melissa, with the big bear in the back seat with them, and we dropped them off at the movies, while Tony and I went out to dinner. After the movie, we picked them up and drove Melissa home. She seemed happy with her bear, and they both had a nice evening.

They had broken up a couple months before Lev died (yes, it's hard to write that word), but they were still friends and had many friends in common. Melissa's dad told us how glad he was that Lev was her first boyfriend, as he had respected her, encouraged her to set high goals to herself, and had helped her to set the bar high for future relationships. I hope that is true.

I like to think that with his actions he made a difference in the lives of others, even if it was something small, like being nice to someone on Valentine's Day.

Lev was either completely wonderful, or terribly annoying, and I miss them both.

Lev's first day

Lev was born at home, in Aptos, California at around three in the morning. Our midwife was Roxanne, and she looked just like Bonnie Rait. Our good friend Bronwyn was helping out, as she was in training to be a doula. It was a textbook birth. Roxanne got there around midnight.

Grandpa Ted was visiting, and I had started in labor late afternoon. We decided it would be best for Jaal to stay at the hotel a couple miles away with Ted, but at three in the morning Jaal woke up demanding juice. Ted didn't know what to do, the vending machine had no juice, and Ted was rather curious what was going on back at the house, So, he took Jaal back for some juice. As they pulled in, Lev was being born. By the time they got up the stairs to our house, I had stopped screaming, and Lev was born. They came in the bedroom, before Lev was even swaddled. Ted asked if it was a boy or girl, and we hadn't even checked yet. I was so sure it was a girl, it didn't occur to us to check. He was definitely a boy!

Jaal got to cut the umbilical cord, and never showed any jealousy toward Lev. It wasn't until Lev started to crawl and knock over his legos that he began to realize that little brothers can be annoying.

In this photo Lev is about twenty minutes old. He was perfect.

He was a great baby, and would entertain himself with just about anything. He didn't start to get a little difficult until age four, which was a precursor to how he would be as a teenager when once again kids realize that their parents are not all powerful.

In December of 2008 we visited Aptos, and Lev was really proud of the house in which he was born, and proud of being born in California, for some reason.

bedtime lullabys

Tony used to play guitar and sing lullabies to the kids. We sang around the campfire when camping as they got older. Below is one of Lev's favorite. 

Hobo's Lullaby  by Goebel Reeves  Go to sleep you weary hobo Let the towns drift slowly by Can't you hear the steel rail humming That's a hobo's lullaby  Do not think about tomorrow Let tomorrow come and go Tonight you're in a nice warm boxcar Safe from all the wind and snow  I know the police cause you trouble They cause trouble everywhere But when you die and go to heaven You won't find no policemen there  I know your clothes are torn and ragged And your hair is turning grey Lift your head and smile at trouble You'll find happiness some day  So go to sleep you weary hobo Let the towns drift slowly by Don't you feel the steel rail humming That's a hobo's lullaby  ©1961,1962 (Renewed) Fall River Music, Inc. (BMI) All Rights Reserved. 

bow and arrows

Lev loved fighting with sit is, making bows and arrows, and blow darts.
Often the homemade bows and arrows wouldn't work that well, but the fun was on the creation of it, figuring out what rainforest wood was best for the bow.
Lev likes going out and chopping things with a machete, too. Last trip to Costa Rica Lev brought back a machete, and when our weed whacker broke, he tried to trim our grass and blackberries with his machete. It wasn't sharp enough and he was so happy when Jaal used his Dremel to sharpen it for him.
One nice memory was when Jaal and Jordan discovered how to make blow darts in Monteverde. They would fill a jar with beans to hold them while they dried, cut up metal hangers for the darts, and glue paper cones on the end so that when blown through a PVC pipe they would shoot out with great accuracy. Lev didn't show much interest until he saw the final product. All of a sudden, his brother was cool, a genius, the maker of a fabulous tool. I was afraid that someone would lose an eye, as they would fly over twenty meters accurately. They enjoyed many hours making them, and peppering our banana plants with sharp darts, which would pierce the plants quite easily. It was great to see them playing so nicely together, like they would when we went to the beach.

Last year, Jaal and Mark began making the darts again, but now Lev had moved on to a store bough bow and arrow, and last spring, I finally let him buy an airsoft gun. He found it wonderful and fascinating at first, but then, like most things, he lost interest and moved on to something new.

from Uncle Ben

****
Lev's Visit to Maryland in April 2010

Though Lev and I never lived nearby each other, we saw each other at
least once a year, sometimes more. Most recently he had spent (almost)
a week at my house (in Rockville Maryland) in April 2010 -- 3 months
before his death. It was a great visit, with some fascinating
conversations as well as lots of video games, frisbee, hiking,
rock-climbing and so forth.

All 3 of my kids really enjoyed the visit, but Lev and my daughter
Scheherazade (now 13) have long been [damn, I guess I should say
"were"...] particularly close and always enjoy [enjoyed...] each
others company especially.  Although when  my sons and I wrestled with
Lev, Scheherazade refused to participate.  She loved Lev but didn't
trust him not to squash her !!!

On a visit to the Cacoctin Mountains, Lev was particularly impressed
with my rock-clambering capability -- and I semi-tried (but failed) to
convince him to do some dangerous things, like a leap over a deep 3
foot crevasse... and a difficult climb down another crevasse, which
involved wedging your body between the two sides and lowering yourself
bit by bit for 15 feet or so.  But he seemed to vicariously enjoy my
reckless risking of my own life, though he was more conservative with
his own safety!!!

I was struck by how fast he was growing up all of a sudden. Lev had
always been a smart and inquisitive kid, but on this visit he was more
interested to carry out lengthy intellectual chats -- about DNA, time
travel, AI and so forth. He also showed a deep knowledge of history
and politics, with an insight into Western history complementing my
own sons' recent study of Japanese and Mongolian history. We even
discussed the possibility of immortality via technological means, and
he was all in favor.

Lev was a devout heavy metal head, and particularly a devotee of
Metallica.  I like metal OK, but on a long car drive I tried to
convert him to jazz fusion (played on the car stereo) ... and I failed
-- though he admitted that some of it sounded a bit like music.

One thing that strikes me looking back on that visit are the
unfinished conversations.  As we chatted about AI and pharmacological
immortality and eugenics and unified physics and all sort of stuff,
lots and lots of conversational threads were left dangling, which I
figured would get picked up next time we saw each other.   I'm a big
fan of ongoing multi-year conversations, and seeing how peoples' views
on issues change as they learn and evolve.

New Years Eve, Costa Rica 2009

This photo was taken on New Year's Eve in Costa Rica in 2009. My band was playing at a bar down there. They are pretty lax about the drinking age, and Lev was allowed to hang out and watch the music. We decided he could have beer since it was a special night, and he was super-excited about that. But after downing a can of Pilsen, he disappointedly decided it was "gross". We all had a great time that night.

snow

Lev, like most kids, loved the snow. Tons of good memories, from sledding, snow shoeing, cross country skiing, snowboarding, and just playing around. I'm glad we haven't had any real snow this year.

Hats - from Grandpa Ted

Last weekend I went to a bar mitzvah for the son of a friend. At the party afterward, all the young people wore hats that were distributed as party favors. I was struck with the memory of Lev and how he looked in the hats he loved to wear. He was just the right size to wear his dad's hats, and also liked to wear a dark suit or sports coat on occasion, making him look older. The hats he wore weren't party favors or baseball caps, at least not the ones I remembered. They were traditional men's dress hats. He was very expressive, and I could see him with a career or hobby as a stand-up comedian. Then he would change to athletic garb and look like a boy again.

In this picture, we were out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and Lev is wearing a jacket he got for Halloween the year before. He enjoyed dressing up, and that night at dinner he was practicing moving his eyebrows independently up and down. You can tell in the photo that one is up and the other is down. It looked quite impressive. Jaal can wiggle his ears, like Ted, but Lev is the only one who had such eyebrow control.